I spent a lot of time meaning to start a blog but very little time actually starting a blog. I never felt that any “content” I had or was likely to produce was or would be polished enough to be worth publishing, or even writing down. I have lots of topics I want to write about but all my thoughts and ideas on these topics are half-assed, half-baked, and half-produced. “Fuck it,” I’ve finally concluded. I’ll publish what I have, as I have it, half-baked as it all may be, and let it evolve live and online.
What is The Non-Local Quantum Hologram? In short, it’s “The Universe.” The phrase is from one of my favorite sci-fi characters, from one of my favorite sci-fi book series, converted to one of my favorite sci-fi TV shows: Josephus Miller from The Expanse:
Holden: “I need to know everything you know.”
Miller: “Oh, so you wanna talk about the non-local quantum hologram. The phase-conjugate adaptive waves resonating in the microtubules in the brain which, of course, requires some closed-timeline curves and Lorentzian manifold, and you catch up. I’ll wait.”
-“The Expanse” S3E9, “Intransigence”
My views on the construction, substance, and nature of the universe are evolving. But this line in the TV show made me laugh right out loud because it humorously resonates with my current sketch of the universe, “informed” by such theories as the holographic principle, the non-locality of reality, and any or various many-worlds interpretations.
More than just a passing layman’s interest in these fields, my fascination has been driven by real world practicalities. While my experience is not likely considered “typical” of an average schizophrenic, I am, nonetheless, a schizophrenic. Granted, onset of my schizoaffective symptoms are correlated with excessive substance abuse in my mid-30s, but periods of severely reduced use and stretches of complete abstinence have not proven a cure for the symptoms of the disorder and at this point I have accepted the condition as chronic and unremitting. But having developed the telltale symptoms of schizophrenia later in life after having already developed a strong and hard-won sense of “self,” and having already formed a strong idea of my place in this world, I’ve definitely interrupted the auditory hallucinations and delusions I experience as something entirely external to my “self.” The voices I hear are entirely external to my frame of reference and mode of thinking. It is my perception that the voices I hear are voices that have a source other than my biological brain. Their attitudes, individual and distinct personalities, modes of speech, and even word choices, are entirely foreign to my own.
One could say they are alien.
“Like, aliens from Mars or something?” you’re asking, mockingly. “No,” I’d reply, “but certainly alien to self. Maybe more like multidimensional ghosts from a parallel universe?” I’d offer with a hint of sarcasm and humorous self-deprecation. “But this matters because the ongoing ‘delusion’ that I experience has not just been random delusional thoughts and clips and phrases of a disembodied speech that distract from an otherwise coherent reality, but what seems to be an ongoing narrative as told from a veritable (that at times sounds like a literal) chorus of individual voices and minds, some of which that have become individually and personally known to me, that has remained internally consistent for nearly a decade and has seemingly corresponded with a nearly, but not quite, testable reality (i.e. I can never predict a future, but I can look back and correspond what I heard before to what happened after),” …I’d “helpfully” add…
… and then I’d chuckle, to myself, realizing that you stopped listening to my reply about two seconds in.
The reasons any real and conscious entity (let alone a host of them) would choose to “haunt” me or others in this way (and, seemingly, only haunt, predominantly, drug users and others considered “mentally ill”) are explained, conveniently, as part of the ongoing, delusional, narrative and are difficult to discuss in just a paragraph or two. (I hope to delve into this topic in future posts).
In short, this blog is likely to contain a bunch of crazy talk. But that “crazy,” for better or worse, is what makes up my current world (universal) view, and I think it’s important that I sort it out in a way that allows me to solicit feedback from, or foster the understanding of, others.
Lest you consider me a total and irredeemable head case, know that I keep both feet firmly rooted in two possibilities:
- I am a delusional crazy person whose symptoms are explainable by a traditional understanding of psychology and psychiatry and are caused by local, biological (albeit broken) processes of my brain.
- My experience is something more than a biological, mental dysfunction and exploring that experience has worth beyond simply diagnosis and treatment of a mental or substance abuse disorder.
The evaluation of these two realities is one of the primary purposes of this blog space, as well as to provide a space for other, probably inconsequential, projects and content of mine that may or may not be related.
If it matters to the reader, let it be known that I have tried, and have largely rejected, the use of anti-psychotics (several of them). I’ve found more simple and less damaging ways to cope with my altered mental states. Medications have caused a number of symptoms that are more undesirable than my schizophrenic experience in itself. Beyond the memory issues (already present but made worse by medications), the dulling of my mental faculties, and possible movement disorders, they make me simply not care about the experience. And this is the most concerning side effect out of all of them. Whatever my experience in life is, it is important that I not be kept from caring about it.
Given my tendency to constantly second guess what I write and frequently revisit and revise even my personal journal entries, no article, post, or body of work on this site is likely to remain constant over time. Just because I’ve hit the “publish” button doesn’t mean anything in that published post is considered, by any means, my final opinion on the topic. My views and opinions on ANY topic are fluid (as any intellectually honest person should understand) and evolve over time. Disagree with me about something? Make the argument! Please! No good thought or idea has ever properly matured in a vacuum. I welcome and cherish discussions with people with different views and ideas.